Warning – The following is not based on fact. It is entirely made up. It is intended to be humorous with a little sarcasm thrown in. It is not politically correct. It may even offend some readers. If you are easily offended please do not read this report.
Hillary Clinton’s Lost Emails Found
Washington, DC – Yaakov Kerenvenkov, head of Russia’s Federal Security Service, announced today that a lone-wolf hacker known as “Gilligan” claims to have retrieved almost 25,000 of Hillary Clinton’s 33,000 deleted email from the Internet.
In discussing the retrieval of these emails, Mr. Kerenvenkov stated that Gilligan used a scraping program that was able to seek out email messages delivered from Ms. Clinton to the addressee, and in effect pulled the emails from the recipient’s inbox. When asked how Gilligan acquired this program, Mr. Kerenvenkov stated, “It wasn’t too difficult. This program was developed by the US Federal Bureau of Investigation who have been using it for years in criminal cases. Apparently Gilligan hacked the FBI system, downloaded the program, and then ran it.”
Attorney General of the United States Ms. Loretta Lynch, stated, “We consider this act by Gilligan to be the highest form of espionage, and the Justice Department will be issuing a warrant for his arrest later today. Collecting Ms. Clinton’s emails is certainly a significant breach of national security.”
Jake Devlin, a reporter with the British Broadcasting Service, asked Ms. Lynch, “How could this be a national security issue? Ms. Clinton claims the 33,000 deleted emails were all personal—about fitness classes.” Ms. Lynch responded, “Jake, do you really think we’re that stupid? If Hillary spent all that time emailing about fitness classes, she’d look a hell of a lot better than she does.”
When questioned as to why the FBI didn’t use this program to find Ms. Clinton’s emails, Ms. Lynch stated, “The FBI is far too busy investigating bad cops to waste time looking for emails. Don’t you know that 90% of all blacks pulled over by police only get pulled over because they are black? Remember the FBI started out as an organization to catch slaves and return them to the plantations.” Ms. Lynch continued, “After all, Ms. Clinton is going to be the first woman president of the United States. Besides, what difference does it make?”
Mr. Devlin went on to point out that for average American, it looks as if there is a double standard when it comes to being prosecuted for wrong doing. Ms. Lynch responded, “Really Mr. Devlin. Do you think King Henry VIII lived by the same rules as the local blacksmith? I have no idea where these crazy people get the idea they have the same rights as those of us who run the country. After all, we’re running the country because we know what’s best.”
Commenting on the discovery of these emails, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump stated, “Gotta hand it to those Russians. They’re the best hackers in the world, right next to the Chinese. The FBI couldn’t figure out how to catch Crooked Hillary. Maybe the Russians can. I wonder if they’ve got a retirement home for her in Siberia?”
Meanwhile Chris Matthews, host of MSNBC show Hardball, has started a campaign to elect Whitey Bulger for president. Mr. Matthews stated, “Well we’re now letting crooks run for the presidential office so why not get one of the best? Plus, I am all about firsts and I’ve checked the records going right back to George Washington and so far we’ve never had an Irish, white, male, mobster in office. Isn’t it time?”
When asked for a comment, White House spokesperson Josh Earnest said, “Everyone has to settle down and come together. All of this huffing, puffing and posturing is creating too much water vapor and contributing to global warming.”
Ms. Clinton’s campaign office released the following statement, “Ms. Clinton never would have set up a separate email server or deleted any of her emails but she was inspired to do so after watching a YouTube video. She is very sorry that the FBI, the Justice Department and Congress have wasted so much time for nothing when that same time and energy could have been devoted to confiscating the wealth of rich people and corporations.”
Author: Michael Manahan
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